I know love doesn't come easy for some people... in fact their journey in relationships is more like a battlefield, one filled with heartache, regrets, sadness... the list goes on. I will admit I have been on that battlefield more times than I care to count in my life. But I am not bitter nor have I sworn off love. If anything those experiences allowed me to grow more as a person, allowed me to explore what it is I seek in a partner and what I need to do within myself to be more loving, not only to my partner but most importantly to myself. I didn't have a good example of a loving partnership between couples when I was growing up. My father was a closet alcoholic and abusive. I saw my mother in more fights with him than I want to remember and saw the 'scars' of such fights. I would lay awake at night hearing screaming and yelling and noises that I never want to hear again. When I was older I got up one night and told them to just stop... please just stop. I don't know if they continued their fighting after that... When I was a young teen I asked, in fact begged, my Mum to leave him. But she never did... there was always a reason why she wouldn't. I didn't know what Battered Wives Syndrome was until years later. In the end whilst still a young teen I was removed from home for my own safety. From there my journey in relationships began and failed... began and failed again... Yet after all the heartache and disappointments I never saw the mystery of love as being a thing that is only attainable by the select few. I did however, see myself as flawed, unlovable and a myriad of other things. My self confidence was shattered and as time passed the shattered pieces fell to the ground never to be picked up again. Yes I hit rock bottom... I never knew a person could get to such a low, low point in their life and still somehow manage to breath. Another learning curve for me... one that I am thankful for as it actually forced me to make some serious changes or stay in that pit of emptiness. It also forced me to see me... the real me... and not the person who was always trying to please everyone else. I went through a period of finding me. The one who I didn't even know of. The little girl who so long ago cowered in the corner of her room sobbing with pillows around her head so she didn't have to hear anything anymore. The young teenager angry and full of rage at men. And the older teenager who no longer had faith in a person who was meant to be her protector, who was suppose to take care of her children when living conditions became unbearable. The one who was to ensure her daughter would never be abused... I found all those aspects of myself and with each one sat with them and listened to their heart broken stories... felt their betrayal and abandonment. I loved them as they should have been so long ago and held their hands when no one else did. I showed them a world that they didn't know of... one of promise and wonder. I quelled their fears, their anger, their loneliness... and in turn I became whole. I learned to love me... all of me, including all the little quirks that are a part of who I am. I came to understand my worth in the world and decided to no longer settle for what I thought I should. My standards were raised higher and I no longer allowed my self to be trodden on again. I became a stronger woman... who is also a strong woman for her own daughter. I stopped the self ridicule and saw the many talents that I had deep within me. And in turn I found someone who also sees all those things in me too... Yes it was a hard journey and it did have many setbacks... but I am so grateful to have been given this life with all of its trials and challenges for without them I wouldn't have the understanding or compassion that I do. I wouldn't have looked in the mirror and said, "Let's give this a shot..." This work by Jevareyn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
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23/3/2015 0 Comments Can I Keep You... "Can I keep you?" These four simple words she whispered to him whilst snuggling into his back. These words that had been filling her thoughts for the past few days as she was trying to figure out why, or even how, she was contemplating these thoughts. She never expected to fall in love with him. She thought the love she felt was because of the passion they shared. Yet here she was, realising that her love for him was so much deeper. There were things that she just never thought would ever happen again. She had already told him she loved him, it was something he didn't want to hear. But she had learned a long time ago to never leave words unspoken, so she spoke the very words he had try to avoid hearing. Yet, now, she has added something more. "Can I keep you?" Words she had never uttered before as the yearning was never there. But now she was allowing her vulnerability to show through. It was a risk, yes, but a risk she was willing to take. She didn't see his face when she spoke, she didn't know what to expect from him really. He was still and silent, she was prepared for whatever was to come. He turned around and faced her, it was a moment when she thought he was going to pull away and leave. But he didn't instead he kissed her deeply, passionately. She felt safe and understood with him. It was something she had never experienced before. He accepted her as she accepted him, knowing that sometimes he had a darkness that consumed him. She saw a beautiful wildness within him, one not dissimilar to her very own. Yes, she was a little over spirited at times and he had seen that part of her. For once she could be who she really was without being judged or defending herself. That, in itself, was an exquisite freedom that she relished. One that so few saw or understood about her. She didn't want to take away his wildness, but, rather run freely with it. Enjoying the bliss and pure pleasure it brings with it. Knowing that for however long they were meant to be this way it will always be a part of her. Something that her heart had been yearning for for such a long long time and never allowed herself to acknowledge it. Yes she loved him and now she understood the depth of it... However for him, he couldn't return these feelings and he never told her how he felt... so eventually he walked away from her and entered the wild woods once more... never to be seen again... This work by Jevareyn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. 23/3/2015 0 Comments A Journey... A journey is so simple to begin... just one step and it has begun. Each step taking you closer to your dreams. your desires, your hopes and your wishes. Along this journey there will be many trials, tests and a myriad of distractions that can take you off your path for a while. But eventually you feel the pull to go back onto the path and follow the road once more. As time goes by you accumulate knowledge of who you are, the skills you need (which are more often uncovered as they were hidden within all along). You find your 'roots' and begin to feel a connection to all things when you tap into this deep well of ancient wisdom you have always carried... This work by Jevareyn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. |
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