I know love doesn't come easy for some people... in fact their journey in relationships is more like a battlefield, one filled with heartache, regrets, sadness... the list goes on. I will admit I have been on that battlefield more times than I care to count in my life. But I am not bitter nor have I sworn off love. If anything those experiences allowed me to grow more as a person, allowed me to explore what it is I seek in a partner and what I need to do within myself to be more loving, not only to my partner but most importantly to myself. I didn't have a good example of a loving partnership between couples when I was growing up. My father was a closet alcoholic and abusive. I saw my mother in more fights with him than I want to remember and saw the 'scars' of such fights. I would lay awake at night hearing screaming and yelling and noises that I never want to hear again. When I was older I got up one night and told them to just stop... please just stop. I don't know if they continued their fighting after that... When I was a young teen I asked, in fact begged, my Mum to leave him. But she never did... there was always a reason why she wouldn't. I didn't know what Battered Wives Syndrome was until years later. In the end whilst still a young teen I was removed from home for my own safety. From there my journey in relationships began and failed... began and failed again... Yet after all the heartache and disappointments I never saw the mystery of love as being a thing that is only attainable by the select few. I did however, see myself as flawed, unlovable and a myriad of other things. My self confidence was shattered and as time passed the shattered pieces fell to the ground never to be picked up again. Yes I hit rock bottom... I never knew a person could get to such a low, low point in their life and still somehow manage to breath. Another learning curve for me... one that I am thankful for as it actually forced me to make some serious changes or stay in that pit of emptiness. It also forced me to see me... the real me... and not the person who was always trying to please everyone else. I went through a period of finding me. The one who I didn't even know of. The little girl who so long ago cowered in the corner of her room sobbing with pillows around her head so she didn't have to hear anything anymore. The young teenager angry and full of rage at men. And the older teenager who no longer had faith in a person who was meant to be her protector, who was suppose to take care of her children when living conditions became unbearable. The one who was to ensure her daughter would never be abused... I found all those aspects of myself and with each one sat with them and listened to their heart broken stories... felt their betrayal and abandonment. I loved them as they should have been so long ago and held their hands when no one else did. I showed them a world that they didn't know of... one of promise and wonder. I quelled their fears, their anger, their loneliness... and in turn I became whole. I learned to love me... all of me, including all the little quirks that are a part of who I am. I came to understand my worth in the world and decided to no longer settle for what I thought I should. My standards were raised higher and I no longer allowed my self to be trodden on again. I became a stronger woman... who is also a strong woman for her own daughter. I stopped the self ridicule and saw the many talents that I had deep within me. And in turn I found someone who also sees all those things in me too... Yes it was a hard journey and it did have many setbacks... but I am so grateful to have been given this life with all of its trials and challenges for without them I wouldn't have the understanding or compassion that I do. I wouldn't have looked in the mirror and said, "Let's give this a shot..." This work by Jevareyn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
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13/3/2015 0 Comments Waiting... Breathe in love... release the tension Breathe in love... release the stress Breathe in love... let go... and relax... Slowly she opens her eyes and views the vista before her... a large field of tall grasses and wild flowers. A breeze is gently caressing the grass and it sways slightly... Small birds can be seen on some of the taller spikes of grass.. the stems bend slightly by their weight as they flutter from stalk to stalk looking for insects to eat in the late afternoon... She looks out over the horizon with eyes that have seen too much over the years... and a heart heavy with memories of long ago... she still remains to experience what is here for her in a world full of change... She stands there in her pinafore with an apron that is dusted with flour from a morning of baking... her arms by her side waiting... waiting. Slowly she lifts her hands to touch the soft feathery down of the grass stems that surround her... it is like this every time she comes... in this place she finds peace. A calm, serene serenity away from the life she now lives... everyday she comes to this place and waits... She is drawn to this very spot everyday... she doesn't know why but she knows she must wait. A calmness washes over her as she stands there taking in the smells and feeling the breeze caress her skin... it is soothing to her and brings memories of a time long ago of someone who once touched her heart and held her in his arms... Take me in your arms as they open wide to embrace... fold me within your warmth and take me to lands that don't exist... help me reach the heights I am yearning, take me on a flight that soars ever higher... take me in your arms... This work by Jevareyn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. 4/3/2014 0 Comments Life Begins... Fear is nothing more than an obstacle that stands in the way of progress. In overcoming our fears we can move forward stronger and wiser in ourselves. Releasing the fear that holds us back is releasing the constraints that we have imposed upon ourselves to the point where we become immobilsed... paralysed.. unable to move... Fear is nothing more than your imagination creating things to appear more frightening than they really are... when action is taken to face these fears they become diminished... the restraints quickly fade away and you become free to express and live life the way you want it to be... Of course some fear is a must to survive... the ones that are there to protect you from danger and being severely hurt... But the fears that stagnate your life and stunt your growth… the ones that begin to interfere in your ability to really live and put limitations on you... ask yourself what would you be doing if you just let them go... This work by Tania Collier is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. 17/1/2014 0 Comments Far Away Lands There is a rustling in the trees... as a small breeze moves gently among the leaves.. whispering... touching... caressing and the night sky slowly claims the day a silent prayer is whispered as the stars come out to play... Engulfed by the night time beauty is a land of magical tales where dreams come alive to show you new places that you can explore So many choices are now laid before you as you open your heart to what was once unknown... An awakening of memories from a time before life where all were just stardust in the waiting ethers of light... Each with a memory a knowledge so deep that to bring it to earth would cause many to weep... So slowly the knowledge becomes awakened in the deepest of moments in a place so sacred that only the awakened know of its existence... The vastness before you is only just dawning as each day passes in your waking moments... The life you once knew is now but a shadow as it guided you to this moment of truth... For here lie your answers to a quest that was given in a time of lost memories from a far away land The treasures that you seeked are but grains of sand in a ocean of endless possibilities... The clouds you now travel hold your deepest of desires as you glide on a journey that holds new plans... But nothing has changed as much as it seems for within this journey is the revealing of your dreams... And all this came to you as you lay in deep slumber because of one moment when you let go of all expectations and fears... You got more than you wished for and felt far more than you hoped as you allowed the moment to sweep you away on a carpet so sweet But this story is only the beginning of something much bigger as you travel to a world of far away lands... This work by Tania Collier is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. 17/1/2014 0 Comments A dark PlaceI wrote this in 2009... after a time that I had been swallowed by a deep depression and found a way to crawl back out of it... I am sharing it for people who are in that 'dark place' that things can and do improve, if you let it... and for the people who have not experienced this, or have someone close to them who is, you can at least get a small understanding of where they currently reside and be that guiding light for them... namaste I once resided in a dark place. A place that contained nothing but blackness. A place with no emotion, no light. I do not know when I first entered this place... perhaps it was when I felt my first heartbreaking betrayal or when I first experienced gut wrenching loss... I do not know when. All I know is that it was there waiting for me so that it could consume me, give me false promises, make me feel safe... But I wasn't safe, not in the way a person should feel safe, protected, assured. At first I would just visit this dark place, the silence, the solitude. But slowly over time I spent more hours, more days, more weeks there until, eventually, it became my world. I was consumed... consumed by a world which I had created. It was a lonely, desolate place, yet at first I did not understand this. I did not realise that I was closing myself off from everyone, everything.... me. I was operating in a world that was no longer a part of me. Everyday I would go through the motions of what was expected of me. But I was numb, I could not and would not express any emotion. I had shut down. I was looking through a window from inside my world where I could no longer feel pain, no longer feel hurt or betrayed, no longer feel anything... Just the deep dark chasm of emptiness, of solitude, of nothing... Sometimes I would get angry with myself for being in this place, for allowing myself to get hurt, for destroying or ruining people's lives. But then I would just sink further down into the void of emptiness where it would lull me into a false security... I was safe there... it was quiet... All I would do was just float in this void and see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing... safe. Safe from the outside world, safe from the fear... I would hear people, even feel people, try to reach for me, extend a hand, a feeling of love. But I would turn away. I did not want anyone around me... I was not worthy. I did not want to feel anything... just the void, the void of emptiness. It was now my friend, my companion. It would not hurt me, expect me to be something or someone I'm not... I was allowed to just float... float away into nothingness... When I entered this dark world to stay I felt abandoned, unloved, unworthy, alone and isolated... the darkness closed around me like a blanket. I found solace there... something was there for me... The hands kept reaching for me, beckoning me to return, begging me to return home... But I was home... in my world. Why does everyone want to take this away from me? Occasionally I would see a glimmer of light, just a flicker before I turned away from it. Slowly over time I would hear a voice, a soft voice, a caring voice... it was somewhere in the darkness. It started as a small sound, just a hum then slowly I began to hear it clearly. The voice spoke to me as if it knew me, knew everything about me... I became fearful that it was another trick to trap me so that I could be hurt again, feel emotion again. The voice was never angry when I turned away from it... it just grew silent. The further away I floated the less I heard the voice... Yet it was always there, it expressed many things to me, showed me slowly that I had placed myself in a trap... a trap of nothingness... The voice would let in light, just a small dim light... enough for me to see that there was something for me beyond the self-imposed prison. I stayed away from the light and the voice... but close enough to still hear the voice. It never beckoned me to come closer... the voice was patient. Sometimes I would stray too close to the light that had been brought in and I would feel warmth, love.... life. I was wary of this but at the same time I craved more... the voice was stirring something in me, something I was missing and whatever it was I would find it in the light and not in my dark world... “Help me...” I asked quietly, “... can someone please help me...” I began to feel cold, alone, isolated... I wanted to feel alive again.. I wanted to feel the sun on my face and breathe... “Help me...” I started to implore, “... can someone please help me...” The voice continued to talk to me, reassured me that I would be OK... it spoke of many things and I started to remember. I remembered who I was and what I meant to some people, I also began to understand what these very same people meant to me. I remembered my dreams, my plans, my life purpose. I started to feel emotion. I began to breathe... I felt love, not fear when I listened to the voice more and more... the voice gave me strength, it gave me hope... it showed me light... The hands of people came to me again and this time I took them. I wasn't letting go. It was time for me to get out of my prison and live again. I was free! It was a slow journey to walk away from that dark world as so much had happened to me over a long period of time that helped me to build it. But now I am free. I see the beauty in life all around me and I know that I can survive. I enjoy life, cherish it. Breathe it in each and every moment. I no longer hide form my emotions as I have come to understand that I need to feel them. ALL of them. They are my guides to help me understand myself and others around me. They also help me to release any blockages that I may have so that I can move forward again. Continue on my journey of life. I have come to understand that I was never alone, I just shut everyone and everything out. The world is not total darkness but a myriad of colours that blend together to make a beautiful painting of life. The world is not total silence but the subtle sounds of everything in it. The world is not filled with nothingness. It is filled with laughter, happiness, joy, bliss, ecstasy, love. It is also filled with sadness, anger and pain. But they all meld together so that I can experience life to the fullest. Emotions do not hurt me, instead they help me to grow and evolve. Do I still go back to the dark world? Yes, occasionally. Not to dwell but to tend the garden I have planted to help it heal and grow. Every time I visit more light enters and the darkness is beginning to fade. The darkness needs to be there in some places to keep the balance but it no longer has the power it once did. In the darkness now I can feel something... it is called hope. I still hear the voice that once guided me back to life. It was me all along, the one part of me that never lost faith, belief or hope. The part of me that is surrounded in love. My soul, my spirit... me. I once resided in a dark place... but that was long ago... © 2009 Tania Collier This work by Tania Collier is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. 17/1/2014 0 Comments Yes Feelings and emotions come to the surface in an area untouched and always kept hidden a key has been found to open the door to a new way of being new heights and sensations awaken the sleeper who for far too long has slumbered fears are abated when the soul feels what it has always been seeking an inner knowing of what will be as the body reacts in unexpected ways and it is embraced while the heart beats faster out of sheer exaltation from the re-emergence of a memory from something once looked at but never felt and the road that was travelled seemed so hard a journey but now with a passion so deep makes it hard to breathe when the fire slowly grows and becomes hotter filling the inner hearth which is now overflowing a vision appearing of a new journey to come one that enhances and strengthens the dream that is currently unfolding as the growth that is experienced opens more doors and a dancing desire swells with the music now being played that only the soul can hear and feels a distant drumming as the universe opens and shows the vastness of knowing that is yet to be explored and all this began from a door that was once opened as I stepped through and cried yes... This work by Tania Collier is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. 17/1/2014 0 Comments Let Go“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us” I can relate to this quote... there were many things that were holding me back (including myself) from the wonderful experiences and moments being presented to me... there came a point in time when I knew I just had to let it go... let everything go that I perceived to be protecting me (when in reality it wasn't)... let go of all the 'ideals' I had projected upon myself of things being a specific way... let go of needing to be 'something better' before I could be 'anything' for another person (myself included)... let go... I knew in that one moment of time I just had to let go... and I did... it was a beautiful and enlightening experience to do that... to just let go... to feel the heaviness lift from me and just allow myself to breathe... to be able to just let go and to go with the flow of everything as it comes to me... to know that for whatever reasons that I was holding myself back from the joyous pleasures of life were merely an illusion I had placed on myself from previous experiences, expectations, upbringing, societal expectations.. and not thinking I was worthy or good enough... let go... I knew deep within that this was something I needed to do... but out of fear or perhaps uncertainty I would stop just when I was at that pinnacle of letting everything fall away and show the vulnerability in me... the softness in me... the feminine within... the goddess/creatrix that I am, have always and will always be... in many ways I was afraid of being seen as weak for my vulnerability... for allowing others to see me... all of me and who I am under all the masks and layers I had so well hidden behind for so long... let go... Yet for my life to change... for any change to be effective I had to drop all of it... I had to become bare and naked to the raw feelings and emotions that I would often deny... I needed to experience these emotions... in their fullness and allow growth from them... from the deep well that I had for so long tended and kept protected... hidden... I let it open up and flow away... I let go of everything that was contained in that well... pain, anger, frustration, control, fear, emptiness, betrayal... everything needed to go so that I was once again an empty vessel ready to receive the gifts being offered to me... to allow tenderness back into my heart, my life... to allow so many things that there was once no room for... let go... When that very moment occurred I had no idea what the results would be... had no expectations of outcomes... I just wanted to be free... I wanted to bring back to my life something that I had denied... and something that I had never experienced before... I wanted to be alive in all the ways possible... I wanted to feel so much so deeply... let go... And since that day I made the decision to allow everything to drop away... to say yes to things that I would have normally said no... to experience the joys that I have and the sheer ecstasy of connection... I have found that there is so much more waiting for me... and with an open heart and open arms I am going to embrace it all with every fibre of my being... I am going to allow the things that I once so long ago turned away from... I am allowing myself to be felt deeply, intentionally, emotionally, spiritually... and as each new experience touches my soul I will know that it is in that very moment that I am meant to be where I am for how ever long it will be... and with that I will be grateful for the love, joy and connection that was and is given so freely... let go... see the world with different eyes as you allow a lovers touch upon your skin and let yourself feel the joys that are waiting for you by releasing your fears of what should have been... instead become an empty cup which is being refilled with things that have deeper meaning to a life the soul has always known as you desperately planned one that was not the right way for growth or connection... allow the softness back in your life become one with the dreams deep inside you a life that you had dreamed of so long ago but only saw half of the picture as the veils covered the parts that you did not want to see... now that you are ready to experience this life on a new level in a new way you will see that so many pieces will all fit together as the synchronicities play and show you a new beginning to a life that wasn't going to be different to what you were trying to plan instead it has become deeper as it is continually growing and all because you made the decision to let go... This work by Tania Collier is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. 17/1/2014 0 Comments Awaken it is a place that is lush with dreams and wonders it is within space within time it is an illusion within an illusion or so it seems to the untrained eye a magical place of endless possibilities where dreams unfold and come to life showing you the different directions that one thought can take where one action can take on a life of its own and take you to worlds unknown from the depths of the soul a calling is heard from a far off place in a distant land where the heart is yearning to be directions you take paths you follow to come to this place of untold dreams to see and experience your true destiny if only in the glimmer in a tear drop that falls the heart is pounding the soul is guiding to be reconnected to an energy so old as your old stories unfold into nothingness from here you will see the life you dreamed once so wistfully a life full of passion love and devotion the tenderest touch upon your breast as your soul gives a resounding yes you know this place you know this space you have been here once before if only in a dream of long ago and as your story that was once told aeons ago starts to unfold and becomes a reality the tears come unbeckoned as the body comes to understand what the soul has known all along a journey that was once believed to be no more and slowly forgotten as a far off place but now that dream has come to be renewed as slowly the dawn opens up and you awaken... This work by Tania Collier is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. |
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