I know love doesn't come easy for some people... in fact their journey in relationships is more like a battlefield, one filled with heartache, regrets, sadness... the list goes on. I will admit I have been on that battlefield more times than I care to count in my life. But I am not bitter nor have I sworn off love. If anything those experiences allowed me to grow more as a person, allowed me to explore what it is I seek in a partner and what I need to do within myself to be more loving, not only to my partner but most importantly to myself. I didn't have a good example of a loving partnership between couples when I was growing up. My father was a closet alcoholic and abusive. I saw my mother in more fights with him than I want to remember and saw the 'scars' of such fights. I would lay awake at night hearing screaming and yelling and noises that I never want to hear again. When I was older I got up one night and told them to just stop... please just stop. I don't know if they continued their fighting after that... When I was a young teen I asked, in fact begged, my Mum to leave him. But she never did... there was always a reason why she wouldn't. I didn't know what Battered Wives Syndrome was until years later. In the end whilst still a young teen I was removed from home for my own safety. From there my journey in relationships began and failed... began and failed again... Yet after all the heartache and disappointments I never saw the mystery of love as being a thing that is only attainable by the select few. I did however, see myself as flawed, unlovable and a myriad of other things. My self confidence was shattered and as time passed the shattered pieces fell to the ground never to be picked up again. Yes I hit rock bottom... I never knew a person could get to such a low, low point in their life and still somehow manage to breath. Another learning curve for me... one that I am thankful for as it actually forced me to make some serious changes or stay in that pit of emptiness. It also forced me to see me... the real me... and not the person who was always trying to please everyone else. I went through a period of finding me. The one who I didn't even know of. The little girl who so long ago cowered in the corner of her room sobbing with pillows around her head so she didn't have to hear anything anymore. The young teenager angry and full of rage at men. And the older teenager who no longer had faith in a person who was meant to be her protector, who was suppose to take care of her children when living conditions became unbearable. The one who was to ensure her daughter would never be abused... I found all those aspects of myself and with each one sat with them and listened to their heart broken stories... felt their betrayal and abandonment. I loved them as they should have been so long ago and held their hands when no one else did. I showed them a world that they didn't know of... one of promise and wonder. I quelled their fears, their anger, their loneliness... and in turn I became whole. I learned to love me... all of me, including all the little quirks that are a part of who I am. I came to understand my worth in the world and decided to no longer settle for what I thought I should. My standards were raised higher and I no longer allowed my self to be trodden on again. I became a stronger woman... who is also a strong woman for her own daughter. I stopped the self ridicule and saw the many talents that I had deep within me. And in turn I found someone who also sees all those things in me too... Yes it was a hard journey and it did have many setbacks... but I am so grateful to have been given this life with all of its trials and challenges for without them I wouldn't have the understanding or compassion that I do. I wouldn't have looked in the mirror and said, "Let's give this a shot..." This work by Jevareyn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
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15/3/2015 0 Comments A SEa of Dreams... I live in a sea of dreams, with shadows lapping at my feet. Beyond the horizon there is a land - I am told - with unfathomable riches. But it is not the riches that man normally seeks. It is a land filled with the wonders of fulfillment, abundance, love, joy, peace and harmony. This land is filled with the things that our deeper self seeks - our soul, if you prefer - forever pushing us toward a bounty that is far more richer than any bank could hold. But this land - again from what I am told - does not have boundaries as it goes on for eternity. The more you accept, the more it expands. And yet - yes yet - many do not seek it for they feel they are not worthy of such things. They feel, because they have been let down so many times in their lives, that they are somehow flawed, not good enough. Or perhaps, this is more the truth, they are afraid of feeling the very things that they are truly yearning for deep within. However, this land beckons for them and their heart feels the pull of this land. People tend to busy themselves so much so they do not feel it. They fill their lives with so many distractions so they can ignore this calling that is silently echoing within them. Gently, ever so gently, calling their names with such tenderness that only a lover could give. Slowly caressing their heart that for whatever reason they have closed off with a cage around it so it cannot be shattered. They feel slight touches but turn away from such things. Again remembering the pain or rejection of the past. Yet this calling is persistent and continues daily, trying to reach within the fortress that now surrounds their heart. Are we so fragile that the thought of being hurt renders us to such drastic measures. To surround our very emotions with a cage so we can go through each day in a daze and work like machines. Is this what we were meant to do for the rest of our lives. To just exist, to just go through the numbness of our daily lives not looking at anything but the emptiness that we see around us. Is this part of the awakening, is this part of the ritual that one must go through until at some point our internal vigilance against beauty, wonder and love becomes lax enough that a part of us wakes up and sees, finally sees, what has been there all along. Something that we thought was forever lost but, in reality, it wasn't. ... Is this part of the awakening, is this part of the ritual that one must go through ... The emotions come forward in crashing waves, heavy sobs now fill the body as all the walls are slowly shattered and torn down. Emotions, once repressed for far too long, are rushing through the gates and you feel like you are falling into an abyss of blackness. So overwhelming is this becoming when, suddenly, you realise the abyss is filled with light and other wondrous things. You feel elated, even childlike, as you experience this opening of the heart. You also feel fearful, but that is okay as you now learn it is not love that hurts you. It is other factors that hurt you. Perhaps this pain began when you were very young and it was thrown at you by others who you thought would be there for you. Perhaps the pain came from other sources over along period of time that it just got too much for you, so you shut down from things. But now you know - oh yes you truly know - that love does not hurt you. Love fills you, elates you, fills you with conscious orgasmic feelings that have no depth. You see the labels you have given yourself start to fall away one by one and as they do your inner beauty starts to shine through. Others will see this happening to you - they may say you have changed. Some may be fearful of these changes as it may be showing them something they have been running from within themselves for a long time. You are not to concern yourself with such things for this is your journey to this blissful land. ... fills you with conscious orgasmic feelings that have no depth ... Everyone has this journey of self discovery, sometimes not in their current lifetime but maybe the next, and that is okay. We all travel at different paces to each other, there are no right or wrongs in this, as this is for you. Along the way you will come across others who are your guides and some are at the same spot as you. It is alright to pause every now and then, so you can breathe and take it all in. There is so much about you to explore, learn and experience. Each step is but a tiny speck in this vast cosmos of space and each speck lights up the sky. They become light for others to follow who are treading ever so gingerly as they put one baby step in front of the other. Sometimes when we get stuck or feel unsteady on our path we find others step in and be our counsel, they see things within us that we cannot. They will tell us what they see and it leaves a mark within us as we cannot unhear the beauty of which they have spoken. Their words move us as we feel the depth of what has been said. Sometimes a part of us doesn't want to hear these words as we are still holding onto old patterns of unworthiness. But you are worthy, just as the ones who are finding themselves on this same path are worthy. As they start to drop the shackles of the past and stop self-sabotaging themselves, they begin to be true to who they are as an individual. They want the respect from others as they are beginning to giving it to themselves.Yes, indeed, this may mean letting go of some who do not or will give you the respect you are so worthy of but, again, this is okay. Others will enter your life and it will become richer with these new friendships that are now forming. ... you are worthy ... Sadly not everyone continues this journey of self-discovery. Some start to go back to things that are familiar to them. Maybe they are not ready at this time but were given a glimpse of what is waiting for them. But, of course, some stop because they are afraid of what others may think, or afraid of the beauty, that is now opening itself for them, will be taken away. It matters not why as it is not wrong for them to stop as long as they do not hinder others who are moving forward. It is a big ask for many to take this leap of faith and go into a future that has many unknowns. It would be a scary process if all they have known is setbacks, disappointments and heartbreak. But somewhere in their resolve they take one more chance as they don't want to have a life filled with "what if's" as that would be far worse than to try and not succeed. To be shown something that is opening up before you like a beautiful flower showing you all the wonders it has within, then you walk away as you do not want it? What a terrible fate that would be for the person who makes such a choice. For often, these very people end up bitter and never see the good in anything. Yes, far better to try and to keep trying as each time gets you one more step closer to the truth of who you are. ... take this leap of faith and go into a future that has many unknowns ... One day you will reach that land of vast richness and you will look back and see how far you have traveled and the growth you have experienced through such a journey. And somewhere, you will find someone who is stumbling and unsure of where to place their feet. It will be in this moment that you will help guide them as someone once guided you so long ago. Then as you give them the guidance they seeked they will continue on their journey and one day help someone as you helped them. You will see that everyone and everything is intertwined on this big web of life, occasionally you will see the tiny ripples of others helping on this web too... This work by Jevareyn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. |
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