16/9/2014 0 Comments I AM NOT Broken...The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable, they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. ~ Ernest Hemmingway We all reach a point in our lives where we feel broken... but are we really? Maybe we have reached an apex in our life and we become scared of what the future may or may not hold. Perhaps we are so busy looking back and seeing the mistakes we have made that we do not see just how far we have traveled... or perhaps we have experienced so many things in our lives that we have been broken time and time again... and yet we still get back up to face another day... There are many things that could be in our lives that prevent us from doing our own inner work... the biggest factor is our fear to face what is in our darkness... what we have hidden in the depths of our being as it is too painful... is it shame we are feeling or a feeling of being inadequate... We are not inadequate... we may be challenged... we may be faced with barriers that we think are too hard to push through... but never inadequate... In Japanese culture they use a method known as kintsukuroi it is the art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer resin dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. The item broken is revered for the time and care that was given to it to become the item that is now broken. It was created by someone who strived for beauty and purpose. They believe the object has become more beautiful due to its history and the damage it has sustained. In Western Culture we do not look at things in such a way when they become broken. Instead we throw them away. Yet if these objects were repaired they are raised to a new level of splendour. They become more beautiful and their cracks now filled with gold show that they are resilient. We can learn a lot from this and apply it to ourselves. Every 'scar'... every 'wound' that we have on our body and soul does not diminish who we are... it just adds to us and through it all shows a beauty that we would not have seen beforehand. We are no less important than who we were to start with. We have traveled far, experienced so many life lessons, and continued on. We are stories that are always being written by our own daily existence. We live, we breathe, we love, we grieve... we experience what life has to offer for us in our own unique way... and that is ok... Recently I had the opportunity to go to the beach... something I have not done in such a long time and as I walked I began to think upon many things... which was ultimately the purpose of this trip... How far into the depths of the self must I go before there is a liberation of freedom. How far must one wander to find their own inner self and discover they are not who they thought they were... How far must I walk along the sand seeing the gentle footprints I leave behind as I tread softly upon this earthly plane... searching... seeking... yearning for something that is calling me but as yet I cannot see... Yet as I walk I am finding one common thread... I am tired... not tired as in I've had enough... but tired of being in control of so much of my life... and I ask myself when does this part end? When can I surrender part of the control and live with a sense of freedom, a sense of peace... a sense of being alive... And therein is my answer... I wish to feel alive... For so long I have played the role of being the one to soldier on, to sacrifice many aspects of myself due to my life circumstances... I want to know me again... I want to find myself... I want to delve into the depths of my being and find my deepest desires... the things that my soul has been aching a long time for... Am I being selfish for feeling this way? No... I am in reality being selfless... by moving more towards me I am giving others - my young adult children - permission to move forward on their own life journey... a journey that only they can do for themselves... plus a journey for myself that I have put off for way too long... I was asked not long ago what are my true desires and I answered with the following: "my true desires? to be treated as an equal, not as an object... to be loved and cherished, not used... to be known as who I am, not as what someone wants me to be... to have someone in my life and be friends before lovers..." But that is a desire that many people want in their lives... to be loved, cherished, respected... to be known... However I am finding that my desires are running so much deeper than that... there is a deeper longing... a deeper desire of connecting with the wildness in me... the one who for so long has been waiting for my return... She has always been there, in the back ground occasionally peaking through and giving people the merest glimpse of her existence.... sometimes shocking people... sometimes leaving people in awe as they see a part that so few has seen and even fewer know of... she is me... she is all of me and she is part of me... There is a fierceness to her as she begins to awaken and her eyes become alive with a deep inner fire... she has seen that I am ready to claim her... ready to accept her... ready to live as one with her... ready to be her... So who is this wild creature who dwells within me? Why is she hidden from everyone? She is the wild fire of passion, of love, of feminine desire and longing... she is the creatrix and priestess... she is the well of pleasures to be received and given... and for too long she has remained buried within... hidden from all including myself... I have kept her hidden and denied her/myself the right to feel alive, vibrant, aroused by the fullness of life and the many wonders it has to offer... I kept that part of me shut down because I was afraid of feeling, of expressing, of not being 'the good wife'... 'the good mother'... 'the good daughter'... 'the good anything'... It was a trap first set up as I was growing up in a dysfunctional environment closing doors of myself to keep them protected. As the years rolled by it was easier to keep them closed, forever locked. But in doing so I created a part of me that could never feel fully alive... could never fully open up... could never fully give myself over to anyone... Yet she is now there and I am waiting to embrace her as she is waiting to embrace me... You are hereby allowed to be happy, to love yourself, to realise your worth, to believe in great things, and to be treated with love and respect... This work by Jevareyn is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.
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